Turning Thirty.....

Last weekend I celebrated my thirtieth birthday.....or, should I say slightly more accurately, commiserated the passing of my twenties.

In the run-up to Doomsday, I have to admit to feeling decidedly crappy that I was leaving my youth officially behind me.

I know that thirty is hardly ancient, indeed, we are told every year that forty is the new thirty, fifty is the new forty etc etc...People are living longer and I can be fairly confident (tragic accident or fatal disease aside) that statistically at least, I'm not even half-way through my life.

It does, however, seem to me that there is something very sad about not being "young" anymore. I have already been fretting, on the few occasions that I do venture into pubs and clubs, that I could turn into one of the women I used to laugh at a decade ago. Strutting their stuff on the dance floor, with too much make-up and flirting shamelessly with men young enough to be their own sons. Theoretically, if I had had a more sexually adventurous time in my teenage years, I could have a 16 year-old child now. I am glad I don't, but it would be physically possible for someone my age to have a child in their late teens.

I still feel young. I fight the urge every weekend to don my Lycra club wear and hit the dance floor. I am not adverse to getting horribly, embarrassingly drunk or toppling over in my too-high high-heels. I don't have children, the idea of having small humans to take care of still terrifies me, although I have many friends who do. I have noticed, this year there have been more weddings, increasingly more of my friends are making commitments to their partners and taking that big step down the aisle.......

There is something awfully inevitable about getting older but I do really miss my early twenties. Thinking I would have plenty of time to do all the things I really wanted to do and confidently putting them off until tomorrow, being easily distracted by anything shiny or interesting that happened to float by. Now I am thirty, I still haven't really accomplished much, although I am trying really hard to accomplish something. Or, at least, parts of things I never got around to already.

There is just so much on the list I really don't know where to start.

I just still feel, several years after I started writing this Blog, because I needed somewhere to vent all the frustrations that I felt for not ever getting around to doing the things I wanted (needed?) to get done, that I haven't really moved much further forward.

I have a better job now. I am married. My Dad died. Many things have happened but I still feel like I spend nearly every day beating my head against a wall, trying desperately to make sense of how I got here, always wanting more, to feel like there was some sort of point or answer.

The older I get, the more confused I become. Even less makes sense to me now.

But the tick-tock of that clock is getting louder and louder. I can hear it all the time, and it's started to tick a little faster than it used to....