Stomp Stomp Squish Squish

Yesterday I was thinking (never a good thing when you're me but I like to live dangerously).

I was having a particularly Stressful day at work. This happens to me a lot and is usually caused my other people being annoying.

Anyway, at around lunchtime, I found my thoughts drifting away from the seemingly endless spreadsheets and processing of paperwork and imagined what it would be like to be a dinosaur. I was thinking something pretty huge and destructive like a T-Rex. When I was little, I used to watch the Incredible Hulk (I wasn't supposed to watch it really as because of my scarily over-active imagination, and Hulk was the subject of many a childhood nightmare for me) and I remember how he would get all angry and then his eyes would go funny and then he'd TRANSFORM into this giant green man....

I would like to do that, but instead of being a large green man, I'd like to go the whole hog and become a T-Rex.

The first thing I would stamp on would be my laptop at work. This is because it is useless and makes me swear at least 400 time every day as it really doesn't like to do any of the things it was designed to, like opening files or allowing me to read my emails and every single interesting website in the entire universe is blocked on it so even if I had time to skive, I can't.

Then I would stamp the horrible Portakabin I work in into teeny tiny pieces about the size of an amoeba. I would stamp and stamp and stamp for hours until even dust particles would look huge next to the remains. I hate the Portakabin because it is-

a. Dirty
b. Too Cold
c. Too Hot
d. Ugly
e. Dirty
f. Smelly
g. Stuffy
h. Damp
i. Dirty
j. Unfit to be inhabited by Raccoons, let alone real Human Beings
k. Dirty

It is probably the most horrible building I have ever worked in and destroying it completely so nobody would ever again be forced to suffer inside it's walls would be very satisfying.

I would then stamp on all the stupid people. These would easily be identified as they would be the ones pointing going-

"Shit!! Look at the Dinosaur!!"

Sensible people would clearly be running away very fast from a T-Rex stamping on a Portakabin so anyone standing around pointing would be squished very quickly.

Then I would go and stamp on Barclays Bank, Argos (TOO many pointless hours standing in queues in that shop for my liking), Tescos (LOTS of those to stamp on), Starbucks, ANY store found guilty of selling velour, ALL Motorway service stations and finally BT Head Office.... I am sure there would be other places to destroy along the way but I think that would be enough to start with.

The funny thing was, my little fantasy actually cheered me up and made me less stressed for the remainder of the day. Now, whenever anyone annoys me (which is sadly still a frequent occurrence) I will just imagine squishing them with my large scaly foot whilst they cry "No", "Please" and "Don't Squash Me" (not necessarily in that order)...

Seriously, try it, it works!!

Blllleeeeuuuuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhhhh......

I am getting too old for heavy weekends....

I have just got back home after spending a weekend in Manchester with my little brother and have finally sobered up and been hit with the Hangover From Hell. I am very relieved that I have booked tomorrow off work as well as today because there is no way I would be able to face a day at my desk feeling like this.

I just want to crawl under my duvet and die quietly.

I can't work out whether I am suffering increasingly awful hangovers simply because I am getting too old, or whether it's actually that my tolerance for alcohol has now reached a point where for me to get properly drunk, I have to drink enough to put a small elephant in a coma, thus resulting in days of feeling sorry for myself, promising anyone with a pair of ears that I will "Never Drink That Much Again"......all my good intentions only ever last for the duration of said hangover, once it is gone it all starts over again until another Hangover of Death hits and I am forced to stop drinking until my kidneys stop screaming at me.

My problem is that I LOVE drinking and socialising and dancing and staying out until the sun rises.....it is very hard to stop doing something that provides me with so much happiness. Normally, these days, although I do get drunk, the nights of cuddling Armitage Shanks are (thankfully) now long gone and I do generally remember most of what happens when I go out.

Maybe I should get a new hobby, but the last time I tried to do anything healthy, I broke my foot so exercise is clearly out the window on that one.

Any ideas? I'll just pour myself another vodka while you come up with something.....