Stomp Stomp Squish Squish

Yesterday I was thinking (never a good thing when you're me but I like to live dangerously).

I was having a particularly Stressful day at work. This happens to me a lot and is usually caused my other people being annoying.

Anyway, at around lunchtime, I found my thoughts drifting away from the seemingly endless spreadsheets and processing of paperwork and imagined what it would be like to be a dinosaur. I was thinking something pretty huge and destructive like a T-Rex. When I was little, I used to watch the Incredible Hulk (I wasn't supposed to watch it really as because of my scarily over-active imagination, and Hulk was the subject of many a childhood nightmare for me) and I remember how he would get all angry and then his eyes would go funny and then he'd TRANSFORM into this giant green man....

I would like to do that, but instead of being a large green man, I'd like to go the whole hog and become a T-Rex.

The first thing I would stamp on would be my laptop at work. This is because it is useless and makes me swear at least 400 time every day as it really doesn't like to do any of the things it was designed to, like opening files or allowing me to read my emails and every single interesting website in the entire universe is blocked on it so even if I had time to skive, I can't.

Then I would stamp the horrible Portakabin I work in into teeny tiny pieces about the size of an amoeba. I would stamp and stamp and stamp for hours until even dust particles would look huge next to the remains. I hate the Portakabin because it is-

a. Dirty
b. Too Cold
c. Too Hot
d. Ugly
e. Dirty
f. Smelly
g. Stuffy
h. Damp
i. Dirty
j. Unfit to be inhabited by Raccoons, let alone real Human Beings
k. Dirty

It is probably the most horrible building I have ever worked in and destroying it completely so nobody would ever again be forced to suffer inside it's walls would be very satisfying.

I would then stamp on all the stupid people. These would easily be identified as they would be the ones pointing going-

"Shit!! Look at the Dinosaur!!"

Sensible people would clearly be running away very fast from a T-Rex stamping on a Portakabin so anyone standing around pointing would be squished very quickly.

Then I would go and stamp on Barclays Bank, Argos (TOO many pointless hours standing in queues in that shop for my liking), Tescos (LOTS of those to stamp on), Starbucks, ANY store found guilty of selling velour, ALL Motorway service stations and finally BT Head Office.... I am sure there would be other places to destroy along the way but I think that would be enough to start with.

The funny thing was, my little fantasy actually cheered me up and made me less stressed for the remainder of the day. Now, whenever anyone annoys me (which is sadly still a frequent occurrence) I will just imagine squishing them with my large scaly foot whilst they cry "No", "Please" and "Don't Squash Me" (not necessarily in that order)...

Seriously, try it, it works!!

Something Tells Me This Isn't Going to Work.....

So after a year of bending ears and being annoying, my employers have agreed to let me do the qualification that I should have to do the job I do.

Sounds slightly backwards I know, but although experience is very nice, having those bit of paper do matter sometimes......particularly when it comes to Ofsted inspectors apparently which is the real reason behind why I am being allowed to do a qualification.

When I first moved from the Private Sector into Education and the Wonderful World of the Public Sector (where according to the Daily Mail we all turn up for 3 hours a day, sit in gold-plated chairs and generally do very little until the day we can retire early with our amazing pensions that pay us all a huge sum of money so we spend our twilight years living up on the Costa-Del-Sol) one of the things I did think might be a perk of the job was that the training should be easily accessible and, indeed, very good. Now I have been assured by curriculum staff (and indeed many of the students I look after) that the training on offer is very good. I just haven't be allowed to do any of it myself.

It's not that I think these things should be handed out by employers like Smarties, but I do think good training is important. And if you can help your staff to get properly qualified the all the better. They will be better at their jobs, you get to have staff that tick all the boxes and (believe it or not) they will appreciate you for it.

The problem I am wrestling with today, is that although I am really grateful to have been given the opportunity to train, the NVQ they have enrolled me on is a Level 2, and I should be doing the Level 4.....not just because I am Great (although we already know this to be true) but because the Mandatory Units in the Level 2 do not match my job role in any way, shape or form because that qualification is designed for people who work on Reception desks, whereas I am the person to whom the people on the Reception desk send people for appointments.

The upshot of this whole debacle is that I am going to not only have to do big piles of homework to complete this qualification, I am going to have to create work so that I meet the Mandatory Units (and indeed the optional ones as these don't tie-in either). The qualification is not the right level, therefore I won't be able to put it on my CV or it will look like I'm lying about what my duties actually are to future prospective employers as to get the Level 2 you need to be doing different types of work to what I actually do, and employers in my industry will know this as they will be familiar with it. Add to that the fact that if I leave within 2 years, I will have to pay back the cost of my training (which is highly likely due to the fact that I am on a fixed-term contract and I can't risk staying right to the wire if they don't renew it, and in my game at the moment, you have to go where there is work as the Government are pulling funding left, right and centre) and it really doesn't seem like I will be getting a good deal out of this.

I will be left with a qualification I can't use, which will cause me huge amounts of extra work and stress over the next few months, which I will also have to pay for. I don't think I'm going to bother, although it will be interesting to see how they react to that. I am yet to really put my foot down with this employer and I have a feeling it will explode in my face........am I being ungrateful and unreasonable? Maybe I am........I just don't know any more......

Work Work Work Work....

Recently I have felt like the weekends just aren't long enough....and neither are the evenings. It is odd because I have always had a full-time job and although the days of 60hr weeks are a long way behind me, at the moment it seems I am always there and just don't have enough hours left over for relaxing or a social life.

This may be because my job makes me really tired and I spend most of my time there being REALLY stressed so by the time I've got home and wound down, it is time for me to go to bed, get some sleep and then start the next day all over again....this is all well and good but by the time the weekend comes around, I have no energy (or indeed enough spare cash) left over for socialising with my family and friends.

I know I'm still a bit broken since the death of my father and that the aforementioned event left me feeling less like the party animal I once was. I also know that although I have joked about the impending doom of my thirtieth birthday (which is now less than a fortnight away) it is still true that I am perhaps a little old to be continuing to burn the candle at both ends, and in the middle....in fact I pretty much used to just take a blowtorch to the candle and melt it to nothing. When I look back at my really wild days, at the time I was working 10hr shifts 5-6 days a week and STILL managing to fit all-night clubbing sessions in so it's obviously possible, I just think that if I did it now I would be in a coma within a month.

It does make me sad that I'm always too tired to do half the things I want to do, and that time feels as if it's slipping away from me way too quickly. On the weekends that I push myself too hard or drink too much, I spend Monday morning wandering around the office looking like a George Romero extra.

I suppose that's just life and I will have to get used to it, however, it still makes me a little sad.

The Wicked Game....?

So.

I have started singing again. On Monday, over 10 years since I last got up on a stage to sing, me and my friend got up and did a few songs at our local open mic night.

I had seriously forgotten how good it felt to be up in front of people, or how comfortable it would be. I was a bit nervous before we went on, but really I was more excited. I don't understand why I've left it so long as it felt more like home than any other job I've ever done.....

Back in my younger days, I think I honestly believed that fame and fortune would get dropped in my lap and when that didn't happen, I got despondent and stopped bothering. Now I know the ONLY way to do this and make it work is both hard work and shameless self-promotion.

I am just hoping we haven't left it too late, and that we're going to be able to get to a point with it where we don't have to actually work our day jobs. It was really hard on Tuesday, after the dizzying high of singing to a room full of people the night before, to go into work and just get on with things like spreadsheets........

A Moment of Calm....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I've realised (after much tortured musing) that the reason I always feel like everything has gone horribly wrong isn't actually because it has. My life is actually going fairly well. I'm happily married, I have a job that pays well and I (mostly) enjoy doing, I'm healthy (apart from the fags), I have all my limbs (touch wood), I have two cats who love me very much (as long as I remain the provider of food, water and unsolicited cuddles) and I have some marvellous and interesting friends.

What I don't have is autonomous control over everything I do.

This is the problem with having a job. You need one to pay for food, heat, a roof and all those other things it's hard to live without. I don't feel in control of my working day as ultimately, somebody else decides what I should be doing. My job is pretty great, as far as jobs go, but I don't actually want to be working for somebody else forever.

I don't really know how I'm supposed to tackle this. I'm rapidly approaching thirty and time could be an issue. As is money. However, since I had this epiphany, I've found myself moaning a whole lot less. It's like something has switched over inside my head and I don't get so angry about things these days. Being calm is very strange for me, I feel like I've been annoyed for years and suddenly, a cloud has completely lifted from above my head. I'm not sure that this is permanent but I do feel better for the moment.

The next obstacle to overcome is the hulking great one where I have to make a decision about what I want to do. And then, when I've made said decision, I'll have to actually attempt to stick to it. And not get bored and start chasing the next interesting thing that comes along five minutes later......

Could be tricky......

Am I The Only Person Who Thinks Facebook Is Rubbish?!

Now, I've had numerous problems since I became a Blogger.
I struggle with all this technical stuff, it's Really Difficult to get to the bottom of how things work. Or it is for little old me anyway.
Everyone I know and their granny keeps asking me if I'm on Facebook, and I wasn't but then I decided to give it a bash and signed up.
God, it's complicated.
Nothing is straightforward or easy to suss out, it makes Blogger look like finger-painting for monkeys.
And I had to make sure I 'blocked' my Evil Ex, which was more effort than I really wanted to make.
Ho-Hum.

I actually left the bingo hall yesterday. It was quite a sad occasion, and I have to confess to getting a bit upset at having to say goodbye to so many people that I will never see again. It was fairly weird and I don't really feel like I've left. I suppose it because I've been there for nearly seven years, so my whole life is going to change.

I got a new job. I can't remember if I mentioned it already but I got the one that I went to the interview for so I'm pretty excited. Not only is it actually doing something worthwhile, but I will be working from Monday to Friday between 9 and 5.30!!!

Woo-Hoo!!

I can't wait to get my social life back....

Not that it was ever really that great, but at least I had one.

I Hate It When I Get What I Want.....

I now have a job interview on Monday morning.

I am Very Scared.

It has been a year since my last job interview, and the last one I had didn't go very well.
This was largely because it was for a job within the gaming industry, and the people who were interviewing me had no intention of giving me the job I'd applied for as it transpired they were actually only promoting internally, but had to offer the job outside the company to fulfill legal requirements. And they were blatantly Office people who asked me questions like-

"When was the last time that you were part of an award-winning team!"

And didn't ask me questions about all the relevant experience that I had. Or the fact I was already in possession of most of the certificates that the other candidates would be gaining whilst in their new position. Needless to say, it left me feeling Very Annoyed that although I was apparently the Most Intelligent Person ever to take their stupid literacy and numeracy tests, (Oh yes, this was the longest, most drawn out interview process I have Ever been through) according to them, I had the Best test results they had Ever seen in the whole history of recruiting people into their corporate evil empire, I was still not good enough. And this was for a job that, on paper, I was so horribly overqualified for it was ridiculous.
They Did offer me a large number of other positions, and I got a bit of revenge by stringing them along for a few months, getting them to up their offers several times before I turned them down. They messed me about, and being able to say thanks but no thanks at the end after they attempted to con me into a position that was quite a bit back down the ladder from where I'd already worked my backside off to get to, was ultimately a hollow victory. But it made me feel a bit better at the time.

That experience has left me a bit wary of being interviewed again although, as I will be unemployed in three weeks time, I am going to have to bite the bullet and go for as many as I possibly can. I've been applying for jobs for a few months now, and this is the first one to offer me an interview. I really want the job too. It's not like its just a boring desk job, it's fairly similar to what I do now, only without the gambling. It's basically helping disadvantaged people find work. I won't actually be doing that, but I'll be manning the front desk with a fair bit of autonomy within my little domain. I get to refill the coffee machine and everything! I haven't described it very well but, it suits my ethics and I'll actually get to speak to people and organise things, which is exactly what I've been looking for.

I just hope that I'm actually being given a chance and am not just a statistic so that they get to tick a little box and stop a man from the government coming round to tell them off......

I Ain't Boverd!

Catherine Tate is currently on the TV, which you may be surprised to learn is where I got the inspiration for my post title today. Or Not.

Yesterday, I had too much to say and too little time. Today I still have much to say but since I sat down at my computer, my brain seems to have gone out for a walk or something. It's not often that I am stuck for words.

I Did hand my notice in though. I was brave and have spent most of today feeling oddly relieved that the end is in sight for my appallingly bad job. Hurrah! I can't wait to get out of there and into the Big Wide World. It's Very Exciting. And also Really Scary.
Most people will tell you that you should never leave a job until you get another one. I've been applying for jobs and nobody wants me yet so I'm just going to have to keep my fingers crossed that something comes up. In actual fact, I've always left my previous jobs before I've got another one. Nothing will motivate you in quite the same way fear does. It'll make you actually bother going to the Job Centre or fill in that thirtieth form. It certainly works for me anyway. For me, having some sort of Real motivation that goes beyond the fact that something is merely annoying or a nuisance, is paramount to my getting off my arse. Because I kinda like sitting on it unfortunately.

I have no idea what I want to do though, which may cause a few problems down the line. All I do know is that I don't want to work weird hours any more. My sleep pattern is more erratic than ever at the moment, and I don't know how much more of it I can cope with. So 9 to 5 is about the only thing I care about. And No More Weekends! I've done my fair share for this lifetime I think.....

I Don't Believe In Being Brave....

I've done it.

Or should I say, I'm doing it tomorrow.

I am handing in my notice, and waving good-bye to the bingo hall Forever!!
As I don't yet have a job to go to, I am A Bit Scared, but am sure it will be OK.....

I figured it was time to Just Do It, and to be honest, I always walk the tight-rope better without a safety net so am feeling weirdly positive about risking becoming an unemployment statistic. I'm going to write a proper post tomorrow, when I actually have some time to but I just Had to write this down now as it is Very Important. To me, anyway...

The Story Of The Unhappy Slug...

So I went back to work today.

Monday is only a half-shift for me, so I get the evening to mooch around the flat and watch lots of Jerry Springer and Judge Judy. Many people are a bit snobby about daytime television. They seem to think that it's only for people who struggle to spell their own name, or who marry their own cousins. For me, seeing how some people manage to get through life, despite not being able to string a sentence together is incredibly fascinating. I love watching their orchestrated fights on Jerry, or how some people will sue their mothers because "she borrowed a tenner once and never paid it back". It makes me feel safe because although sometimes it feels like my life is pretty awful, it will never be as bad as it is for these weirdos. And the saddest thing is, the majority of them aren't even smart enough to realise that they're missing out on all sorts of things. Or maybe they don't care, I don't know as I'm not exactly Sigmund Freud when it come to psychoanalysing other people.

This brings me to the Slug at work.
She is a person, we haven't got some sort of infestation (not that I'm aware of, anyway).
I call her the Slug because she spends all day chewing the part of her fingers that used to be her fingernails and everything she touches ends up being covered in dribble (a bit like as if a slug had crawled across it). It's disgusting.
I'm not a Total clean freak but I like clean hands on other people. And your mouth has more bacteria in than your bum! Not that I'd be particularly over the moon if somebody tried to pay for their bingo books with money covered in feces, but dribble is just as gross- unless the person handing something to you is under 4 years of age.
She also has a voice which I can only liken to a veritable orchestra of cats, all sharpening their claws on a ginormous blackboard simultaneously. It's awful. And she puts an 's' on the end of almost every verb she says, IE-

"I wants and needs a new kitchen"

AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
I can't stomach the woman at the best of times but today, after being away from work for a whole week, I came extremely close to vaulting the counter and stapling her fat, stupid head to the carpet.

It was a shame really, as apart from the Slug, I had a pretty good afternoon. The customers were fairly annoying, but not so much as usual, and I was feeling fairly calm about all the things that normally wind me up and make me feel like I will become a victim of spontaneous human combustion at any given moment.

I was going to turn over a new leaf and try and cut the moaning down on my posts but I've changed my mind, I enjoy it far too much!

Back To Work....(Boo Hiss Boo)

I am faced with the gloomy prospect of returning to work tomorrow.

It's not quite the Apocalypse, with the Four Horsemen and their Legions of Doom and Destruction descending upon the world, intent on destroying all in their path and leaving chaos, death and disease in their wake, but I'm feeling a bit glum. The prospect of returning to my normal life after a week of ignoring my mobile and not having to get up in the morning before I feel like it is not one that I'm relishing right about now.

In all honesty, I think everybody feels this sort of low after a holiday. It's a bit like the come-down after taking drugs but without the horrible 'your-body-is-going-to-disintegrate-any-moment-now' kind of feeling that you get with a narcotic withdrawal. What is the same is that rather grey cloud looming over my head, like I'm never going to be quite that happy ever again (or at least not for a Very Long Time Indeed). It certainly doesn't make me want to dance about, that's for sure. Plus work is No Smoking now, and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to cope with that after 6 years of being able to have a cigarette when I'm working. This is partly because I never really used to get breaks, and it was my boss's way of stopping me either having a nervous breakdown, or complaining I think! I will definitely be taking my breaks now, although this is going to be difficult and may cause problems down the line....

Never Mind. I've been reading back through my previous blogs and I really do moan A Lot. Am going to try and cut it down a bit. I'm refusing to give up the smokes so I suppose I ought to make a go of giving up something else I like doing instead. Am not sure that the previous sentence was, strictly speaking, in Good English but I'm going to leave it the way it is. Although I make a point of never editing my comments, even when I read back something that I am no longer cross about and realise that perhaps I didn't need to rant about it with quite so much venom, I have to confess to correcting any spelling and grammar mistakes that I notice. I don't mean to, but bad grammar bothers me. If I were reading a novel and the writer couldn't be bothered to construct a half-decent sentence, I would put it down. I can't help it. It's like a sort of Tourettes.

Well, maybe not as extreme as Tourettes (I exaggerate too much as well) but it's a sort of involuntary reaction that I have.

"Quick! Correct that spelling mistake! And PUT THAT COMMA IN THE RIGHT PLACE!!!"


Like the World will grind to a shuddering halt and everyone will take a moment to point and laugh at my hideous grammar......

I'm a bit weird.

I Need A New Job!

AAAAARRRGGHHH!
I am SO fed up with my job.
I hate it.
I also hate Monster who are rubbish. Their advertising makes it look like it's really easy to find relevant positions but every time I update my CV on there, I'm inundated with phone calls from recruitment agencies who want to offer me complete crap. It should be called 'Even More Useless And Depressing Than The Job Section In Your Local Paper Dot Com'.
At least that would be honest...........

The Problem With Blogging pt 2

I read quite a lot of other blogs.
It's really interesting to me to see what Other People are using theirs for. Mine is a sort of diary/forum for whinging where nobody tells me to 'shut-up and stop being so negative'! Although if anybody apart from me was reading this, they would have the opportunity to do so via the comments I suppose.
My blog is essentially for my own personal use. I do not have links to lots of other sites, and have no intention of becoming a fully fledged member of the blogging community. I choose to remain as anonymous as possible because although I don't have a problem with anybody reading what I have to say, I don't really want them to know who I am. This could lead to my editing myself, when I started this blog with the intention of using it to free my mind and say whatever I'm thinking at any given time. I don't care if what I have to say offends or upsets anybody because nothing that they retaliate to my commentary on my life with could be personal, because they know very little about who I really am. That being said, if anybody who knew me read my musings, they would know that they were mine, but of course, they couldn't prove it without a picture of me grinning inanely in the top corner and a detailed map to my house in the profile.
The thing I find strange about many of the other blogs I have been perusing is that most people seem to use them as a way of broadcasting their existence to the world. They have friends and family leaving comments and hundreds of visitors, all zooming in to view the latest video clip of their baby/cat/boyfriend. I'm fairly different in the sense that, as yet, I have failed to post a single photograph from my life. That's something I may do in the future- but it certainly won't be of me or my family.
In this day and age, simple things like your name, address and date of birth have become valuable commodities. In Britain, we are caught on cctv anything up to several hundred times a day! When you compare that to America, where the average is seven times, that statistic becomes pretty scary. I don't understand why it has become so necessary for Big Brother to see what we're doing all the time, but apparently most people haven't read 1984, and nobody seems to be that bothered. In this age of technology, you can't stay hidden from anyone. Which is why I won't be posting my name on my blog. Nobody needs to know who I am in this little world, and to be honest, by remaining anonymous, anybody reading this is much more likely to get a realistic version of what's really going on in my head. It's the one place that I don't have to maintain a fabulously groomed exterior or pretend I don't fart!

The Story of Why I Hate Tuesdays

I hate Tuesdays because they are my least favourite day at work.
For some reason, on Tuesday the vast majority of customers that come to play bingo are Evil. Some of them are nice, but most of them are not.
Every Tuesday, by about lunch-time, I will be in a Very Bad Mood. This is usually because numerous people will have been rude to me, talked to me like I am four years old, or just been incredably awkward. Add to that the fact that we are always short-staffed on Tuesday, (this is because the person who does the rota does not work on Tuesday, so they don't care) and you have a volatile recipe for Bad Tempers.
When I am old, every Tuesday I will go to bingo, (that is if old people are not forced to stay in their homes, which is where the government seems to think they should stay, by the time I am old) and every Tuesday I will be horrible to everyone. I will order food that I know the kitchen doesn't serve, I will only purchase my bingo books with a large purse full of pennies that I will count out very slowly whilst standing at the front of a huge queue and I will refuse to say please or thank-you. Looking forward to behaving in this way is the only thing that is currently keeping me going through my Tuesday shifts.
Today I also have the joy of knowing that my x-factor 'audition' is tomorrow and I am Very Scared about having to spend an afternoon with a large crowd of screaming people. I am not sure if it's going to be fun or complete and utter torture. I haven't told anybody I'm going, apart from my girlfriend but as she's told nearly everybody we know, they have spent the day wishing me luck and being very nice. Am hoping that as all these people are supposed to care about me, they wouldn't let me do it if they thought I was going to look a total plonker...... at least I hope not!! Fingers crossed anyway........

The Diet of a Self Confessed Failure

It occurred to me as I was making my dinner this evening that perhaps sausage and chips (albeit of the grilled variety) was perhaps not the healthiest option that I could have chosen.
I have tried numerous diets and have found that none of them work unless you're stressed and miserable and therefore not really eating anything at all.
In fact, the only time I have ever really been 'slim' was when I was totally unhappy. I have recently come to the conclusion that I will always be a little bit fat and am hoping that this is something I can come to terms with.
Easier said than done I think.
Which brings me to the slimming club at work.
It's not technically a club as such but it's my own personal name for a group of what can only be described politely as 'larger' ladies. They're all in their forties/fifties and every single one of them has been on a diet for the entire time I've known them. Not one of them has, to my knowledge, actually lost weight despite the daily protestations of living on lettuce and exercising rigorously fifteen times a day, which must be when they're asleep I think as I'm not sure when else they could fit it in. Perhaps they rope themselves into StairMasters at night..... maybe that's where I've gone wrong!
The slimming club is not, collectively, doing anybody but themselves any harm and personally I don't believe in criticising anybody else for their lifestyle choices BUT.....
Every time I have to eat my dinner at work at least one, if not the whole group will descend on me 'en masse' and inform me of the entire calorie/fat/sugar content of every single spoonful that goes in my mouth! It drives me nuts and for quite a long time I confined myself to my tiny office at meal times.
My girlfriend (whom I work with) has managed to get me to emerge from my self-imposed isolation and eat like a normal person in front of other people. She, of course, is a trim size 8 despite the fact she eats about fifty chocolate bars a day and, quite rightly, doesn't give a stuff if the slimming club start analysing her food choices. She, in fact, takes great joy in eating even more rubbish despite their noisy health alerts. I wish I could be that confident, however I know that just looking at a mars bar will result in my gaining five pounds. Or twenty if I'm having a really crap day...........