Stand and Deliver!

I've recently spent a week in lovely Benidorm, Last Bastion of the British Empire.

You may well turn up your nose, but I found it to be one of the most relaxing holidays I've ever had. It was like it was 1989 all over again, the Land That Time Forgot. Cheap cigarettes, cheap beer and so much tacky entertainment I was spoilt for choice all week. It was also incredibly clean, the Spanish were super friendly and when I attempted my broken efforts at the local language, merely chuckled and spoke back in such perfect English, I was embarrassed by my dulcet Hampshire slang.

It is also possible to enjoy a Full English Breakfast there for about twelve pence (okay, I'm exaggerating again but it was Super Cheap). As you dear reader will be aware of, a Full English Breakfast is essential for any English tourist with a chronic hangover.

Obviously I was VERY SHOCKED on returning to Blighty and being charged SEVENTEEN POUNDS for two breakfasts (with coffee) at a Motorway Service Station.

In the olden days, men with masks and guns would halt the progress of carriages demanding the frightened passengers hand over either their money or their life. This was how I was made to feel on Monday morning. I was Very Hungry Indeed and as I had spent a week existing on fry-ups, was not quite ready to give them up before my return to work and the inevitable diet that would ensue. I don't understand how they get away with it! Surely Motorway Service Stations are not THAT expensive to run. The other shocking thing was that it was packed. Many people were trying their best to enjoy their breakfasts, safe in the knowledge that they now had no money left for their proposed day out.

At least Dick Turpin was honest in his intentions, he never (as far as I'm aware) referred to his dastardly deeds as a 'Welcome Break' to his victims.

Viva Espana!!! (pt 2)

This image was my favourite thing at the cathedral in Palma.

The cathedral in itself was a beautiful piece of architecture, it was massive, felt holy and I enjoyed wandering around it, both inside and outside. This image is taken from a large piece of religious artwork, right near the exit. I love morbid Catholic imagery, I have no idea who the headless man is meant to be or why he was included on a piece of artwork that was made to go in a religious building. It's certainly not the sort of thing that I would want small children to see but nevertheless, in a world that condemns violence on TV and in computer games, if you put a violent image in a church, for some reason, it's OK. Brilliant!

I can see why loads of ex-pats emigrate to Spain. For a start, there's no security cameras covering your every single solitary last move, just in case you do something 'wrong' so they can fine you. People take their time doing things, I never felt like I had to rush for anything, not even when we got our flight home. And the airport staff at Palma could certainly show the poor excuse for 'Customer Services' that we got at Gatwick a thing or two.

It was the first time in recent years that I felt that, just for a few days, I could kick my shoes off, lie back and relax. I left all my worries at home and didn't get stressed or argue with my girlfriend once the whole time that we were away.

It was also sunny. We watched Sky news while we were there and I have to confess to stifling a chuckle when rain stopped play at Wimbledon practically every single day of our sun-drenched holiday. I didn't miss the rain and the damp and the general misery that seems to engulf our green little island.

The people of Britain need to start standing up for themselves. We put up with our controlling Government, their ridiculous laws, their pointless wars with countries we will never go to and, for the most part, have never heard of. We are letting them use their current 'War on Terror' as an excuse to strip each and every one of us of our fundamental human rights. Not even capitalist America attempts to treat their people so poorly. We are encouraged to be xenophobic, by a media that does the politicians publicity so very well and as a nation, we accept it all. Sometimes, you have to step back and try to take an objective view on things. I think that's what my little break away has done for me. If this country doesn't change, I'll be saving every last penny I can and disappearing off to the sunshine as soon as I've got enough of them to start a new life for myself.

Viva Espana!!! (pt 1)

I have just come back from a much needed holiday in Mallorca.

Some extra cash came our way unexpectedly so we booked a few days away on Expedia (a site which, I have to say, I would recommend to anybody who wishes to avoid the nightmare that is The Package Holiday) and then buggered off to much better weather and much larger drinks.

Getting there was a bit of a nightmare.

I didn't realise the airports pretty much close down in the wee small hours of the morning. Because of the latest terrorist threats, we were advised to get there early, only to discover the advertised tailbacks on the motorway were non-existent, and until the check-in desks opened at 3.30am, not one solitary member of staff could be found. Apart from two rather sorry-looking specimens whose expertise stretched to serving coffee. And two other guys who were playing with one of those giant floor-cleaning machines.

When we did get checked in, everything else seemed to fall neatly into place and we arrived at our destination completely knackered, but otherwise with no delays or problems, other than the fact I couldn't smoke for what felt like HOURS, which was completely rubbish.

The hotel was beautiful and thankfully, at the start of the week, devoid of English tourists. Not that I really mind my fellow countrymen but the English abroad are like a totally different species.

For some reason, none of them feel the need to speak the native language of wherever they happen to be. The ones we saw stretched to 'Hola' but anything beyond that was apparently too much hard work. If the waiter they happen to be speaking to doesn't understand them, they just keep increasing volume until they get what they want. Like saying the same thing in English louder and louder is going to somehow going to make it easier to understand. Also, they get annoyed by foreign people who don't speak English. It was painfully embarrassing for me but on the other hand, because I can speak a bit of Spanish, we got better service, bigger drinks and were treated incredibly well by the bar staff who were amazed by the fact we were willing to try and communicate in their language and weren't intent on drinking ourselves to death or trying to jump in the pool naked like most of the English that they meet apparently do.

The picture at the top is the view from the bar. I did say at some point I would attempt to add some photos to my blog so this is my very first one. Go Me! Am starting to get there with this computer malarkey.

So this is the first part of the story of my holiday. A bit more happened but I'll write about that later or this is going to end up being the longest post in the history of the Universe......